I AM CAROLINE
by dianaglampers177
Summary: Caroline is a NEET who lives with her parents well into adulthood. Lucario is her "imaginary friend". She also has an addiction and a very screwed up psyche. Can she get her life back on track? There are adult themes and violent situations in this story.
1. Fatal

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokémon. I don't own original content. Steal it all, I won't care.

I AM CAROLINE

By Diana Moon Glampers

Chapter 1

Fatal

Click.

Click.

I was at my computer, browsing the internet. My name is Caroline, but everyone I know calls me Cara. I don't have a job. I flunked out of college. I live with my parents and lock myself in my room all night. I don't get out much. I tend to sleep during the day and spend all my waking time when my parents are asleep. I was also a huge fan of Pokémon. I'd been playing since Generation 1 and I'd been hooked ever since. My favorite Pokémon was Lucario.

Click.

Click.

I was at my computer. It was 4:30 in the morning. There was this website, this place where you could find any picture of any Pokémon. It was my favorite website. I could spend days there, just looking at all the hundreds of sets of pictures, over and over again. It was addictive, like drugs for the soul. Drugs are bad for you. Some people will tell you that they're fun and safe, but they aren't. This website, it seemed fun and safe, but it wasn't.

I was sitting in front of my computer and I hate myself.

Click.

I don't know how it happened. I hate Lucario. I love him too. He's my favorite Pokémon, but I also hate him. I want him to do bad things to me. I want him to do terrible, nasty things that would kill me. Somewhere along the line, I developed fetishes. People will say that I was born with them, but I don't know. What hell drives someone to WANT to get killed by an aura dog? I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever know. Was I just born this way? Was I fucked up from the beginning? Or was it the result of something different?

I am disgusting, a disgusting human being. I am an ugly, horrible, piece of shit. I was about to cry. I was sitting down in front of my computer, naked.

Click.

"Cara, what's wrong?" It was Lucario, my favorite Pokémon. He talked to me sometimes. I know he was part of my imagination, but I sometimes I wondered if he was something more. He materialized in front of me. "Cara, are you okay?" He said. Click. I pulled up a picture of Lucario. He was standing in front of Renamon. They both had throbbing erections. Heat coursed through my body. My eyes hurt. I didn't want to look. They were full of tears. My hand moved on its own, like it not part of me.

I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I want to die.

Lucario grabbed me by the arm and pulled. "I can help you, Cara." He had a throbbing erection, just like how he did in the picture. He knew all my pressure points. He knew exactly how to please me, how to kill me. He was the only one. In a single pull, Lucario tore off my arm. Pain. It hurt, but it felt pleasant. He did some nasty stuff with my arm hole. That hurt too, but it was ecstasy.

That was one of my fetishes, amputees. Nubs, dismemberment… I loved that stuff. I hated myself for loving it. I wanted an aura dog to sever my limbs. I wanted him to fuck my wounds. I wanted him to shove my nubs up his tight little doggie ass. What the fuck was wrong with me?

Sometimes I didn't even know who I was. I wasn't always like this. I used to not even think about sex. I used to be afraid of it. I'd get freaked out if I saw a guy just not wearing a shirt, or even a girl in a bikini. I used to dread sex, dread the human body. Now I can't stop thinking about sex.

Sometimes I'd try to convince myself that this was normal and that there were others like me. The internet was good for that. No matter what you're into, there's at least one other person out there just like you. It tends to feed things like this, like it tells you that your urges are normal and natural. My urges feel normal. They happen all the time, every day. I don't know if they're natural, though.

"Cara, what's wrong?" Lucario said. "I'm thinking too much." I said. He removed his penis from the hole where my arm used to be. I was covered in blood and his seed. "Don't cry, Cara. You'll always have me. No matter how bad you feel, just come to me and I can make you feel better." Lucario said. He hugged me. "I'm here to protect you, okay? You are who you are and nobody can change that." "Yeah, I guess." I said.

Back to reality. My arm wasn't severed. I wasn't covered in blood and cum. I was at my computer, completely naked. I had stopped crying, but my face was still wet. I looked over at the clock. 4:55 a.m. I was ready to go to bed now. I tried to smile. I tried to tell myself that no matter how bad things got, I always had Lucario. He would always be there for me. He could show me love and pleasure that no other being could possibly give me.

That smile was a lie. I was only lying to myself. Stupid, ugly, piece of shit, Cara…


	2. Think

Chapter 2

Think

It was 2:00 in the afternoon. Time to get up. I had a real big day ahead of me. Real exciting… I didn't even bother taking a shower. I wasn't seeing anyone that day. There was no point. All I had planned was playing Pokémon, surfing the web, and reading manga. Mom and Dad always bugged me about getting a job. I told them that I'd go job hunting. I lied that I applied for some jobs online. I never did any of that. I don't even have a résumé. It's just something I tell them to get them to shut up.

While I was getting dressed, I heard a knock on my door. "Cara? Are you in there?" It was my father. "Yeah. Come in." I said. "Cara, your mom and I worry about you sometimes. You're always locked up in your room." He said. "I like it here." I said. "I know, but you need to get out more. You should be with friends and enjoying life." "This is how I want to live, Dad. I enjoy it." Lies. I don't even know why I said it, but I lied to him. I wasn't happy. I didn't want to live like this, but I did. Why? I guess keeping things the way they were was easier than trying to do something.

"Cara, we think you might have depression. You never eat, you're always locked away, and…" "I'm not depressed, Dad. I'm fine." I said. He paused. "We set you up for a therapist's appointment. It's later today. I'll drive you there." He said. "I don't want to go." I said. "You should. We really think something's wrong with you." He said. With that, he left me.

Shit. Why the hell did he sign me up for a therapist's appointment without asking me? Was I some kind of hysterical, crazy-haired banshee to him? To be fair, I did have some bed head, but that wasn't the point. He thinks there's something wrong with me, but I sure don't. Who the hell does he think he is, deciding what's best for me?

"I think he's a moron."

It was Lucario. He materialized in front of me again. I could feel my body heating up with him just being there. Why the hell did he make me so hot? "Cara, are you feeling down?" He said. "I am, yeah." "They're all morons. They don't understand you. This whole world is just filled with a bunch of morons. I'm the only one who can truly understand you. I'm the only one who can truly love you, truly please you. They know nothing." Lucario said. I nodded. "They can all die."

Lucario smiled. Aura surged from his body. I wasn't sure why, but that made me feel real good. He grabbed me in his paws, his soft, padded, silky paws, and kissed me. Once he was done, he gave me a smile, a devious, sexy smile. "How about a buttcrush?" "I'd love that. Thank you." I said.

Buttcrush was another one of my fetishes. It was where someone either grew or shrank and the smaller one is crushed by the larger one's butt. I learned about it through the internet.

I started to shrink, down to the size of a bean. The world was so huge when I was tiny. It was incredible seeing Lucario like this. He lowered his butt. His shadow enveloped me. I could see nothing, nothing but blackness, and then the pain. Splat. Crunch. His tight little aura dog ass crashed down on me like a meteor. Every bone in my body was broken. My blood splattered all over his ass cheek. It was the best feeling ever, dying.

And then, I cried.

Back in reality, I cried. There was no shrinking. There was no Lucario. There was no stain on the floor where my tiny corpse would be. There was only me, sitting on my bed, with my finger down my pants as I cried.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

-o0o-

I stepped into my therapist's office. He was a young guy, maybe around my age, but he had all these degrees on his wall. He also had a beard. I hated guys with beards. I wasn't even sure why, but I hated them all. People with beards need to either shave or die. I just want to line up all the bearded men in the world and put a gun up to their heads and give them one last chance. If they don't shave, then I kill them, end of story.

"Hello, Cara. I'm Dr. Silverman. It's good to meet you." He extended his hand. Crap. I gave him the limpest, clammiest, most unsatisfying handshake I could. "Your father told me a little bit about you. He says that you're depressed." He said. "I'm not depressed." I lied. "Well, okay. Tell me a bit about yourself. I want to hear your side of the story." "What, you mean my life? It's boring. You don't want to hear it." I said. He laughed. "I sat through The English Patient and loved it. Nothing is boring to me." Dr. Silverman said.

My life's story… Crap, I didn't want to think about that. I hated talking about myself. It made me feel awful. I wasn't even sure why, but I hated it. …I guess I could give it a try. Dad paid good money to get me in this idiot's office, so I might as well run with it.

"I was born in 1988. My earliest memory is from when I was a toddler. I was watching TV while jumping on the couch. Mom was telling me to stop." "Is this a good memory?" "I guess, yeah. I was having fun, but Mom was mad because she didn't want me to ruin the furniture." Dr. Silverman smiled. "Yeah, I liked to raise hell when I was a kid too. I liked to wrestle with my brother all the time. It was real fun, but always ended with a skinned knee or a black eye."

After that, Dr. Silverman asked me some other questions, like if I used any drugs, drank alcohol, used tobacco, or any of those over vices that "normal" people had. I hated normal people so much. They could never understand what it is like to be me. They try to act like life is so easy, like you can just breeze through it and have fun. Fuck those idiots. They don't know. They'll never know. Fuck them all to Hell.


	3. Childhood

Chapter 3

Childhood

It was night again. Both of my parents were asleep and I had the whole world to myself. The information superhighway was at my fingertips and I could fulfill whatever perverted dreams I had. Cute Lucario and his fuzzy little paws… I wanted them inside of me. I wanted them to tear me apart, to tear me in half. I wanted to die.

Click.

Click.

I found a picture. It was a fat Lucario and the gym leader Chuck together, both completely naked. They were hugging, kissing, and both looked real cute together. It really warmed my heart to see them like this. Oh damn, Lucario looked so hot, like a big fat plush of love. I needed more. The picture was a set. I needed more. I needed to see the whole set.

Click.

Chuck looked happy, but not Lucario. He had this look on his face, this look that scared me. I wasn't sure why, but it did. Lucario's face was too much. Terror. Dread. He wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. I know he did. I didn't like this. Lucario was a powerful aura dog. He would never get raped by anyone. It wasn't like him. Why did the artist do this? They were so happy together in the first picture? Why did he have to turn it into something horrible?

I wasn't in the mood for masturbation anymore. I turned off my browser and tried to think of something else.

Dr. Silverman asked me about my memories earlier. That was sort of interesting. I remembered back in kindergarten, I had a friend. Her name was… I don't remember. She had long hair and liked wearing dresses. I think she was Marion. Yes, that had to be her name, Marion. I hadn't thought about her in years.

Marion was my only friend back in elementary school. We hung out together all the time. We watched TV, played with our toys, and sometimes went to the pool together. I'd never go to the pool now. I'm too ugly for a swimsuit, even one of those conservative ones that don't show your back. I kind of miss swimming, though. It was fun, even if it looks kind of gross today.

My favorite game to play with Marion was Barbie. She always got to play Barbie because she owned the dolls and the dollhouse. I always chose Ken or Skipper. I think the story at first was that Barbie and Ken were married until from out of the blue, Barbie killed Ken for fun and ran away with Skipper to Dinosaur Island and lived the rest of their lives together as savages that hunted dinosaurs for a living. Those were fun times. I missed them.

Marion had to move away. I think it was when I was in the third grade, that her Dad got a job working for some big computer company and had to go. I cried a lot the night she moved. I didn't show it and I certainly wasn't a blubbering crybaby in front of her, or anyone. With Marion gone from my life, there was a hole, an empty feeling of loneliness. My only friend was gone and that I'd never see her again.

I had a lot of time to myself after Marion was gone. I think I tried to make friends with other girls my age, but I had trouble. I was an awkward girl. I sucked at talking to people. I stuttered, tripped over my words, couldn't control how loud my voice was, and there was a rumor that I ate a toad on a field trip. …Okay, maybe that wasn't a rumor. I really did eat that toad. Are you happy? I ate it live and it squirmed at it went down my throat. I could even feel it wriggling around as it died in my stomach.

Oh lord, is that how I got into vore? No, don't be stupid, Cara. You were always into vore. You were born to want that sexy aura dog Lucario swallow you. You always wanted to suffocate in his throat. It's been your dream to die in his stomach acid. I think. That's what people online tell me. They say that I was born this way and that outside forces had no influence on my sexuality.

I opened up my browser again and opened up Google. My search history was spread out before me. "Lucario paws" "Lucario tail" "Lucario diapers" "Lucario yaoi" "Lucario wedding" "Lucario giant" I hate myself, so much. I typed her name into the search bar, Marion. Was she still around? Maybe I could contact her on Facebook.

No. What the hell is wrong with you? You don't need a Facebook page, Cara. That's just an invitation for people to humiliate you. They hated you back in high school and they'll hate you now.

I found her, though. Marion was living all the way in Australia. She must have moved, again. I looked through her photos on her profile. Marion also had a job as some kind of office lady. From the looks of things, it had a pretty good pay. She seemed happy, had a husband, and a child. There were also photos of her on vacation, some random thoughts about Australian politics, pictures of her food…

I was bored. I lost interest in Marion and her stupid, perfect, normal life. I was happy for her, happy that she lead a fulfilling life, but I won't lie, I was jealous.


	4. Day

Chapter 4

Day

I was in my room the next day. I had my 3DS with me, playing Pokémon Alpha Sapphire. I had someone very special on my team, a Wartortle. I was training him to be a Blastoise and eventually a Mega-Blastoise. Why? I don't know. I guess I just like seeing my Pokémon grow up and become big and strong. That was always part of the appeal to me in Pokémon, seeing them grow up, mature, and evolve.

Squirtle was my very first Pokémon. I chose him for two reasons. For one, his evolution was on the cover of my Blue version. Blastoise looked cool, so I wanted Squirtle to grow up to be him. The other reason was because of the anime. Squirtle was always the fun one, the guy who's always cheerful, always ready for a good joke, always in good spirits. I guess I kind of wanted to be like Squirtle. Okay, his shades looked cool too. I wanted shades like his.

I didn't have anyone to play Pokémon against. I used to have someone, though. Her name was Jessica. I made friends with her back in 6th grade. We both liked Pokémon, and she owned a link cable, so naturally, we played together. She always won, but that was because she cheated with her brother's gameshark to get crazy stuff like Magikarp with Hyper Beam or a Chansey that could 1-hit-KO anything with a single Pound.

We did more than just play Pokémon together, though. Jessica also was into other stuff. She got me into anime through a show called Sailor Moon. I don't remember most of it, other than really bright flashing colors and the main character going "In the name of The Moon!" a few times. I still enjoyed watching it. I think before Jessica, I only watched Pokémon as far as anime went.

One thing that I didn't like about Jessica was that she was into Christina Aguilera. I remember when her debut album came out Jessica was all over that shit. Whenever I was at her house, she'd have that album playing all the time, as loud as her parents would allow, on auto-replay. She tried to sing like her, dance like her, dress like her… I hated it. I hated Christina and I thought her music was annoying. Then again, my musical tastes were pretty much the same as my Dad's. Pat Benatar, The Beatles, U2… Those were my three favorites back then, and I still like them even today. I guess I just liked the sound of guitars and drums more than pop princesses and synthesizers.

I remember why I stopped being friends with Jessica. It happened during my senior year in high school. It was a sad day. I don't like thinking about it. I need to think about something else. I needed, something, anything, to get my mind off of her. I looked at my 3DS. I had a Wartortle to train. He wasn't going to grow, evolve, and become strong without me.

-o0o-

I was in Dr. Silverman's office. My lord, that beard. He was an okay guy, but I just wanted that beard to die. I wasn't even sure why I hated it, I just hated it. "So, how are you, Cara? Did you have a good weekend?" It was Monday? I had no idea. All the days of the week blurred together for me, like life itself was just one big hallway with nothing to separate one day from the next. "Yeah, it was fine." I said. "Your Mom stopped by on Saturday to talk to me. She told me about this Lucario guy you like." Shit. I tried not to bring up what I was into around my parents, but it's real hard to keep secrets from people who live with you, people who have known you all your life, people who can check your browser history because they know your passwords…

"I wish they wouldn't get into my business." I said. "Get into your business?" Dr. Silverman said. "Yeah. Some people are proud of their shit, but not everyone." "What do you mean, Cara?" "I'm talking about men on the internet. They act like their shit is a way of life. It is not. They need to shut up." "I don't follow." Dr. Silverman said.

I guess it was time to come clean. "Do you know about Pokémon?" I asked. "Kind of. My son was into it back when he was a kid. What was the saying? Gotta snatch 'em all?" I had to chuckle. It amused me when people who were older than me got minor stuff like this wrong. "Does Lucario like Pokémon?" He said. "He is a Pokémon. He's a blue dog-like creature. I love him. He's my favorite." I said. "Why do you like Lucario?" Dr. Silverman said. "I don't know." I said.

I felt like Dr. Silverman was tip-toeing over touchy subjects. I half expected him to start blurting out words. "Fetish". "Death". "Depression". "Fatal Fuckwad". What the hell did that last one even mean? I guess it's just a word that I used to describe myself. I'm Caroline, the fatal fuckwad. Nice to meet you.

"I have a question concerning Lucario." Dr. Silverman said. He paused, like he could feel how awkward this conversation was. "Do you think you could live without Lucario?" He said. "Absolutely not." I said. "Really? Why?" "I don't know. I just need him. He means a lot to me." I said. "What if you left Lucario, but just for one day? Do you think you could do it?" Dr. Silverman said. "Why do I need to?" I said. "Cara, I'm not asking you to leave him forever. Just for one day, okay? One day wouldn't hurt, right?" He said.

Why was he thinking this? Lucario wasn't holding me back! He was the best thing that ever happened to me. Thinking about him killing me… The ecstasy he gave me when I thought about my death… It was what made life worth living. It was all I had. Why did he want to take it away from me? Why?

"Cara, how about an incentive? Would you do it if you knew…" "Can it. I'll quit just to make you happy, you fucking quack." I said. "There's no need for harsh words." He said. I walked out of his office early. I couldn't stand to look at him.


	5. Snowball

Chapter 5

Snowball

Click.

Click.

I was online, watching some terrible anime about gay robot pilots. The whole time I was trying to occupy myself with something else, just thoughts that weren't Lucario. My therapist said that I should lay off him just for one day, and deep down, I wanted to get better. I had it in me to stop being so damn depressed and do something with my life. Maybe. Or maybe I was just content to stay in my dark little pit of doom, curl up, and remain an ugly, dumb, NEET for the rest of my life. Maybe. I wasn't sure. I didn't like to think about it. Boy's love shows tended to put my mind somewhere else.

I used to love watching two dudes develop a relationship, share moments and memories, and eventually make love. It didn't do anything for me anymore. I think the first time I ever watched a boy's love anime, I loved it and couldn't get enough of it. Now, I think I just watch these because I tell myself that I like them. I feel no emotions when watching, only a blank sense, like my mind is occupied with this instead of something less desirable.

Ambivalence.

I didn't care one way or the other what happened in that show, as long as it was something, anything, to get me to not think about my life.

I heard a knock at the door. "Cara? Are you Decent?" It was Mom. My parents knew that I had a habit of browsing the internet nude late at night. Like I said, you can't keep a secret from people who live with you and have known you all your life. I paused the video. "Yeah, you can come in." I said. Mom entered and noticed how bad I smelled. "Cara, did you take a shower?" She said. Crap. I hadn't bathed in days. "Yeah, Mom." I said. "So, if I go over to the laundry hamper and look for your clothes, I'll find them?" She said. I put on my best poker face. I didn't answer. She walked over to the bathroom. Crap.

Mom dug through the laundry hamper. It was all her clothes and Dad's. "Cara, honey, you really shouldn't lie. You need to be more honest." She said. "I'm sorry, Mom." "Don't say you're sorry. Actually tell the truth next time. Okay?" She said. I nodded.

"Hey, I told Dr. Silverman about you-know-who." Mom said. I sighed. "I know, Mom. Why do you have to get into my business?" I'm reminded of those strange men on the internet, the ones who see their fetishes as their lifestyle and don't find any shame in what they're into at all. Those people scare me. Death fetishes weren't something that I felt proud about. They were things that I tried to hide whenever I could. Sometimes I wondered if they really were into that stuff or if they just wanted attention.

Who am I to throw stones, though? I'm just as fucked up as them, probably even more. Definitely even more.

"Cara, we care about you. We want you to be happy." Mom said. I wanted to lie. I wanted to tell her that I was happy. I could fool her. I couldn't even fool myself. I was miserable. She smiled and changed the subject. "Hey. I got you a job interview at Chipotle's. How about it?" "Sure." Chipotle's… They'll hire anyone. If you have disgusting nose or lip piercings, they'll hire you. If you dyed your hair some kind of disgusting, unnatural color, they'll hire you. If you have a tattoo of a tiger fighting a giant mosquito in the ruins of Detroit, they'll hire you. If you're an ugly sack of shit who wants to die, you better believe they'll hire you. All you need to do is know how to build one of their hot, delicious, artery-hardening burritos and you're in.

"Your interview's tomorrow morning, okay? I know the manager's parents, so they'll probably take you, but still try your hardest!" Mom said. I gave her the most unenthusiastic "Thanks, Mom." I could. I didn't think I was ready for work. I didn't think I was ever ready for work. Working, in my mind, was like getting gutted. They wring every drop of who you are out of you and replace it with the qualities of a "model worker". You don't live for yourself, you live for your job. You don't do things your way, you do things the boss' way. You aren't even a human anymore, you're just a puppet, an extension of the company meant to make them more money and you're in this because you need money, because everything costs money, and you need money to live. Otherwise, you'd live out on the streets and get ass-raped to death by hobos with switchblades every night until you die of rectal trauma. The End.

I wasn't ready for the real world. I don't think I ever was. Mom was forcing me to enter it, though. I guess I could botch the interview. I could just act rude and… No. She pulled some real strings to get this. I should appreciate what people do for me and be thankful. It was the right thing to do.

-o0o-

Click.

Click.

Click.

I was browsing the internet again. I was looking for something to answer my question.

 **What am I?**

In my quest to distract myself, my mind started to wander. I started to think of all the things I'm not. I'm not a good person. I'm not pretty. I'm not smart. But what am I? Was I really so defined with my obsession with sex and death that I wasn't much without it? I tried reading some "inspirational" reading. It didn't inspire me in the slightest. I read a "motivational" article that people swear is the greatest internet article ever published. I didn't feel any more motivated after reading it.

As my browser history filled up with things that were not furry porn, I felt a temptation come over me. I saw my suggested search options pop up on Google's search bar. "Lucario love" "Lucario aura" "Lucario fucks Ash" Oh lord. I wanted to see Lucario fucking Ash so bad that it hurt. I promised myself that I wouldn't. I promised Dr. Silverman I wouldn't. I started to close out my browser, until I heard a voice. "Cara, don't go. You need me." Lucario materialized in front of me. "I'm not supposed to think about you." I said. "Really? Why?" He looked at me and gave me the cutest eyes I ever saw. "It's because… I'm sorry." I clouded my thoughts with random noise. Lucario's aura flared up. My thoughts were clear now. "No running away, Cara. I'm a part of you, a huge part of you."

Lucario tore his paws into my flesh. He opened me up and did some nasty things with my intestines. It hurt. I loved it. I hated myself for loving it. I just wanted him to do it for real, to just rip myself open and gut me alive. The insane smile he gave me while he was doing it… It was too much…

I left my trance. I was in the kitchen, and I had a knife in my hand. I had a huge, long cut across my tummy. Did I do that? I know I often fantasized about violent things, but I don't think I ever acted on them until now. I was bleeding a little. I needed to stop the bleeding. I ran to the bathroom and found some band-aids. I had no idea what I was doing, so I just covered up the whole cut until nothing was showing. I wasn't sure how long it would take to heal, but I don't think that mattered at this point.

I heard a voice in my head speak to me. It was Lucario. "Cara, I know what you are." He said. "What am I?" "You're my special little snowball." A snowball? What did he mean by that? "Remember, I am a part of you, Cara. I am you and you are me. We're in this together." He said. "Together…" I wasn't sure why, but saying that made me feel comfortable. It also made me feel sick.


	6. Nirvana

Chapter 6

Nirvana

I was a collector.

I had a huge, epic collection of manga. With little to no income, I ended up getting most of it as gifts. Christmas, birthdays… It all adds up. If you tell people you like something, they get it for you. It might seem like it's nice, like they're thinking of you and know what you like. It's really an addiction. Getting me manga is like giving a crackhead some of those sweet, sweet rocks for his glass pipe. He'd love it, but ultimately, it's bad for him.

I loved manga, but I knew it was bad for me.

I had a huge collection of manga. Most of it consisted of either Pokémon or boy's love. It was all the same stuff too, just mindless drivel and simple art that's good at distracting me from how depressed I am. It was also filling up my room. I had six bookshelves full of nothing but manga and I'd need a seventh if things kept going the way they were going. I wasn't even sure if my room could fit seven bookshelves.

My hard drive was similar. I had folders upon folders, entire gigabytes, no it might have been more than a terabyte worth of pictures. I had manga scans that I downloaded. Some of it was bootleg and some of it was free. I had hundreds of pictures of just Lucario. I had a special folder marked "Guro" of Lucario killing ythings in increasingly bloody ways. How I longed to be one of his victims in one of those pictures.

I saved more to my folders every time I found a new one. I think I had an obsession. I knew he was bad for me. I didn't care. It felt so good to think of him killing me. Just that sweet release… Death. Orgasm. Stress all gone. No more anxiety. No more fear. No more thinking that you're an incapable, ugly, unlovable hag. Only nirvana.

I talked to my therapist about what I believed in. I wasn't quite sure, so I said I was an agnostic. I didn't go to church. I didn't pray. I didn't really believe in anything. I would have said I was an atheist, but I didn't want to associate myself with those fedora-wearing kooks. Dr. Silverman said that it's healthy to not just believe in something, but to be something. He also talked to me about the concept of Nirvana.

Nirvana. It's not just the name of an overrated band from the 90s.

Nirvana is a sense of nothingness, an empty dark void inside of your soul. Nirvana is feeling nothing of the world around you, the horrible world that you live in, that you just crave to not see anymore. Happy people don't experience Nirvana. They don't need to. You have to be totally disgusted with yourself and the world around you to even want a sense of oblivion surrounding your soul.

Why the fuck would anyone want to experience Nirvana?

Because they hate themselves and want to die.

Because they hate the world and want to watch it burn.

Happy people don't experience Nirvana.

Fuck me. Fuck me for wanting to experience nothingness. Fuck me for wanting to die. Fuck me for just being infatuated with the thought of a blue aura dog taking my life and ending it all.

A sense of nothingness means that you'll eventually want to become one with nothing. You'll want to continue this sensation of being detached from the world and sink deeper into Nirvana. I was like that. I wanted to be nothing. That was why I buried myself in manga. It was like meditation for me. It left me in a state where I was cut off from society, my family, and everything else in the world. It was glorious, like just for a moment I forgot that I was in my own personal Hell and could finally relax.

I'm not saying that Buddha was wrong. I'm not discounting thousands of years of Eastern philosophy. I'm just saying that it didn't work for me. There's more to life than suffering.

What is a happy life?

Is it a feeling of eudemonia?

Or is a happy life just an 80-year orgasm?

No substance. No love. Just empty and fleeting sensation.

I was feeling it, Nirvana, an 80-year orgasm.

-o0o-

"You're hired."

I ended up getting that job at Chipotle. They'll hire anyone. It didn't matter how disgusting you were. You could disfigure your face with as many piercings as you wanted. You could scar your body will all the tattoos in the world. You could be a horrible, disgusting, ugly NEET. They didn't give a damn. As long as you knew how to put together a greasy, fatty, artery-hardening burrito together, then you were in.

Oh lord, I talk so much smack about Chipotle, but their food is so good. I'd eat there more often if I had money. I'd also be a total fatass, but it would be SO worth it.

Maybe I could get money. I had a job now. Maybe it would crush my soul. Maybe it would destroy who I was. It didn't matter. I already hated myself. Mashing me into a soulless drone would be a good thing. It would be an improvement. Literally anything would be an improvement.


	7. Enabled

Chapter 7

Enabled

Click.

Click.

I was clean. It had been seven days since I thought about Lucario. I didn't want to go back to Nirvana. I wanted to move on. I wanted to start a new chapter in my life and become a new person. No more thinking about sex with Pokémon. No more masturbating until my fingers hurt. No more urges, no more addiction, I'm just cutting myself off cold turkey. …And yet I was still drawn to Lucario. I wasn't sure why. Was it inertia? Maybe I just programmed myself that I liked him and that it was just what I naturally enjoyed seeing.

It didn't feel natural at all.

I wasn't always like this. I used to be afraid of sex. The thought of anyone naked, including myself, freaked me out. I averted my eyes whenever I saw a man without a shirt on. I tried not to look when there was a girl in a bikini around. Now, sex was all I ever thought about. I couldn't stop thinking about it, all the things that I wanted a blue aura dog to do with me. How his paws would gently caress me… How his nose would rub up against my neck… How his aura energy could scorch the flesh from my bones… It used to make me feel hot, but not anymore.

Why? Was it just inertia?

Click.

There was a picture of Lucario fucking Dawn. I wasn't sure why, but my eyes were drawn to Dawn. There was something about her, I wasn't sure what, but I couldn't stop staring at her. I wanted to avert my eyes to look at Lucario. That's why I'm here, right? I wanted to see Lucario and imagine him ripping my body apart. That was what I was into. That was what I told myself I was into.

I was his special little snowball because of my sexuality. I let the kind of porn that I masturbated to define my life. I think. Why would someone do that? What the fuck was wrong with me?

I looked at Dawn in the picture. She had this beautiful smile on her face, the kind of smile that didn't just come from the fact that she had an aura dog's penis in her vagina. I wasn't sure why, but it made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. I heard his voice calling out to me. "Cara? What's wrong? Don't you still love me?" "I do, Lucario. I'll always love you. I… I don't know what's going on. I feel like my head's all wrong." I said. Or maybe it was finally right? I don't know anymore.

I kneeled down in front of my computer. I think I started to cry. Lucario materialized in front of me. "What do you say I make you feel good? How does that sound?" He said. "Please, no. I…" I could barely talk through my sobs. He wrapped his warm, soft, furry arms around me. He was like a big stuffed animal, a plush toy that could murder me if I wanted him to. He'd do anything for me.

The ultimate enabler, the man that would do anything for you.

Was that really what I wanted out of a relationship? Lucario was like my imaginary servant. He'd love me, fuck me, and kill me and do anything as long as I desired it so. He had no will of his own, only the desire to see me happy. He enabled me. His weakness let me take advantage of him. That only made him happier, the fact that I used him.

What the fuck kind of person was I? Why the hell did I have to be such a horrible, sick person?

"Cara, you shouldn't think those thoughts. You are who you are. You're my special snowball, a unique person who…" "Shut up." I stood up in front of Lucario and shouted. "Don't give me any of that snowball crap. You know what I am? Do you know what I am?" I said. "You're a woman with very specific needs and I can…" "No. I am nothing. You know what? I'm sick of being nothing. I want to be something." "Cara, I…" "Go away, Lucario. I don't want to masturbate right now."

Lucario scowled. I thought he'd understand or at least sulk off to do something else, but instead, he gave me a look, the angriest look I'd ever seen on his face. Even though he was just a piece of my imagination, he still scared me.

"Okay Cara, you can dismiss me. Just know that I'll be back. You can never make me go away, though. I am a part of you, a piece of your identity. You can't deny who you really are, and your sexuality makes you…" "Shut up. Don't give me your lecture." I said. I was scared, but I didn't want to show it. Why? He'd get violent and kill me if I pissed him off. Wait, wasn't that what I wanted? Why was I afraid of death all of a sudden?

Lucario growled and disappeared. Like awakening from my dream, I returned to reality. I was doused in cold sweat. My cheeks were wet with tears. I was completely naked and had scratch marks all over my shoulder. I was clutching it in pain.

Oh lord. I felt like I had just awakened from a really bad dream.

Every time I went into fantasyland with Lucario, I was scratching into myself, really digging my nails in there. Like some kind of crack head or a common junkie, I had a habit of taking off all my clothes and hurting myself when I stuck my finger in my vagina. Was that what it took to get me off? Was it thinking about an aura dog ripping apart my body while hurting myself?

I had no respect for myself at all. What the fuck was wrong with me?

For some reason, my thoughts turned to Jessica. I remembered her. I didn't know why. Maybe it was because I used to be happy.

I wanted to tell everyone. I wanted to write it all over every bathroom stall in the US, put up banners all around town, get sky writers to broadcast it to everyone in the world.

I was once happy.


	8. Reminisce

Chapter 8

Reminisce

It was August, 2005. It was my last year of high school. I had a friend, Jessica. She was my only friend. I was happy.

I'll never forget what she looked like. Tall… Slim… Beautiful eyes… Perfect skin… Nice lips… Sometimes I wished that I could look like her. I was ugly. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I guess. Do you think I'm ugly? Ha. I never described myself to you, did I? You can believe me when I say that I'm ugly or you can think that it's just a matter of self-esteem. How you picture my body is up to you. It's the personal part of this story that will be unique to every reader. Cherish it. It's something nice that your imagination gave you.

What do you think I look like? It's not important. It doesn't matter. Let's move on.

Jessica had a boyfriend. I don't remember his name. I think it was Brad. Or was a Chad? I'll just call him Brad. I like that name better than Chad.

Brad was my school's star basketball player. He was also smart and very handsome, the kind of guy most girls dream of. What, you think I'm shallow? Having a guy who's smart, athletic, and handsome is a winning combination. I don't care how shallow you think I am. We can all be shallow, even if we don't want to admit it.

It figured that someone like Jessica would have a boyfriend. I think she had more than a few over the time I knew her. Brad was just the one that I remembered best. She probably slept with at least a couple of them too. I knew her sex life wasn't my business, but things like that tended to spread in high school. It always did. Everyone knew who was with everyone. It was like fucking frictionless sharing or Google Plus or some other such abomination that encourages people to have no privacy. Fuck that shit. People need boundaries.

The future of the internet is fucking terrifying. It's a world where no one has secrets. No one has boundaries. Everyone knows everything about you, how many times you pooped today, what kind of dirty hentai you masturbate to, and all your fucking issues that nobody gives a shit about.

That's all beside the point, though. We're talking about Jessica, not my fear and hatred of Web 3.0

I remembered that day. It was a warm August weekend, the beginning of the year. It was hot, real hot, like the kind of weather that makes you glad for air conditioning. I was inside Jessica's house. I had my Gameboy Advance SP with me. I was playing a game on it. I don't think it was Pokémon, though. Metroid Fusion, maybe? Mario? I don't remember. Jessica was doing her homework.

"Hey Cara?" She said. "Yeah?" "You're my best friend in the whole world. Can you keep a secret?" I put down my game and gave Jessica a smile. "You kept a secret for me. I don't see why I can't do the same for you." I spent the night at Jessica's house one year and she pissed herself. I promised to never tell anyone. I broke that promise just now by telling you. No one gives a damn anymore. It's okay for me to break it.

Jessica tried to stifle a smile. She looked embarrassed, like she wasn't even sure if she wanted to say it. "Cara… I…" "Cat got your tongue?" I joked. "Cara… Uh…" "Meow. Meow." I got down on all fours and pretended I was a cat. "Quit." She said. "No! I'm a kitty. I want some catnip! Omnomnomnomnomnom!" I started rolling around on the floor like I was a cat that was completely wasted on cat drugs. We both laughed.

"Cara, I… I love you. I know I look like I'm into boys, and Brad's been real good to me, but… I feel like I want to experiment sometimes." I wasn't sure what she meant. "Experiment?" I said. "You know, like do girl stuff together." Jessica said. "I don't follow. We already do girl stuff together." I said. She gave me a devious smile. "Are you trying to be cute by playing dumb, Cara? If you are, it's working." She crawled over to me and started to take off her clothes.

Things got fuzzy from there. I didn't like remembering what it was like. It was scary. I didn't like how it felt at all. It was an experiment, though. We both agreed that we would try it just to try it. We both agreed to never tell anyone what happened.

I'm telling you what happened right now. We had incredibly awkward lesbian sex. I don't think we did it right, either. She took my virginity too. It was the only time anyone had ever touched me and I hated it. I felt scared the whole time. I wasn't even sure why. Maybe it was just because of how vulnerable you feel when you're naked. Maybe it was because it hurt like hell and both of us had no idea what we were doing. Maybe it's because I'd known Jessica for years and I never even thought that she would want to do this. Maybe it was because I wasn't ready. I don't think anything could have prepared me for her.

I think after that, I didn't want to think about sex anymore. Before that, I wasn't exactly thinking about it a lot. It did cross my mind, but not often.

My mind was in turmoil for the next few days. Who the hell was I? Was I a girl that enjoys sex with other girls? Was that really the kind of person I was? I meant to go talk to Jessica. I meant to talk things out, to get help from her, and maybe even figure out if what we did was the right thing to do.

I talked with her three days later, after school. I met her at her house again. "Hey, Cara. What's up?" She said. "It's about that time we…" "Oh, we'll do better next time." Jessica said. "Next time?" She gave me a smile. "Listen, I know I have a boyfriend, but it's all a front. I don't really like boys. Brad knows that. I told him when we started." "Really? Why?" I said. She sighed. "It's because not everyone's ready for me to tell them. It's harder than it sounds, to tell everyone that you're a lesbian." I guess that made sense. "I'm not ready to tell anyone what we did either." I said. She hugged me. "Great. This can be our little secret then, okay?" Our little secret… I felt funny about this idea, but I agreed to it. "Okay." Jessica held me tighter.

"Remember, I'll never leave you. Nothing's going to come between us." She said. She'll never leave me. Yes. I loved this idea. I didn't want her to leave me. I wanted a true friend, someone who would be with my side to the very end. I felt iffy about going into this kind of relationship. I wasn't ready for what she had in mind. I still liked boys. But… That didn't mean I couldn't like Jessica. "I love you, Cara. I'll never leave you."

The next day, she did leave me. She broke her promise. She died.

It was a car accident. She was driving. I don't know all the details. I didn't want to know all the details.

She was my only friend. Senior year was lonely.

I still miss her. She was the best friend I could possibly ask for.


	9. Disassociation

Chapter 9

Disassociation

I didn't want to go to work. My first real day at Chipotle's was starting in an hour. I didn't want to go.

I wasn't sure why, but my mind brought me back to when I was in kindergarten. My first day of school was going to start in an hour. I didn't want to go.

I tried to think of reasons to stay home. In my mind, my strongest argument was this: I am not a child. I am a dog. Dogs don't go to school. Arf, arf.

Back when I was a toddler, my parents tried to teach me stuff by reading to me. My favorite stories were the ones starring animals. The ones starring humans tended to be ugly. I hated the way humans were drawn. If I had food, I'd lose my appetite just looking at them. I wasn't sure why, but every children's book author I ever saw drew humans, specifically children, as looking like disgusting creatures. Why? I wasn't sure. Maybe my parents were just reading me the wrong books? I don't know.

I didn't want to think of myself as a human. I didn't want to lump myself in with those ugly, disgusting creatures in those books. By contrast, the books about animals were beautiful. My favorites were by Beatrix Potter. The art in those books were amazing. They always had wonderfully drawn animals and humans appeared sparingly. Even then, the humans didn't look disgusting. Those were my favorite books when I was a toddler. I don't know if I still have them. We probably sold them all at a garage sale.

As I grew older through childhood, I had trouble fitting in. I didn't have any friends other than Marion. I also got bullied around. I think there was one particularly bad one named Josh. He spread a rumor that I was born with a penis, but the doctor cut it off when I was an infant. Oh lord, that rumor stuck with me all the way up into 8th grade. Everyone was repulsed by me when I was near. I was always picked last when doing group assignments. If Marion wasn't around or if I didn't have the same recess as her, I'd just sit in a corner and play pretend. I remember pretending I was a giant rampaging rhinoceros girl that could smash the buildings.

SMASH!

I called her Mary Rhino. As Mary Rhino, I could destroy the city and no one could stop me. I could destroy the school and never have to go there again. I could disassociate myself with people, the people that repulsed me; the people I repulsed. If they wanted nothing to do with me, then I wanted nothing to do with them. They could all die for all I cared. They could all get trampled by a Godzilla-sized rhino.

SMASH!

I think I played Mary Rhino with Marion a few times. She had her own character, Tina Chicken. That one wasn't as interesting. Tina Chicken just laid eggs and clucked a lot. She didn't have the same amount of spirit as Mary Rhino. It wasn't a way of impotently lashing out against an uncaring society of children. It was just a dumb hen that laid eggs and clucked. I guess she didn't "get" Mary Rhino and why I pretended to be her sometimes. I don't think anyone did.

-o0o-

Olivia, my fellow employee called out to me. "Cara, we need more corn salsa." "I'm on it." Working at Chipotle's wasn't too bad. You had to always be on your feet. The restaurant was always crowded. There was always a long line, and they were always blasting shitty music all the time. It's amazing what people will put up with to get a delicious fatty burrito.

My co-worker was Olivia. She was a little bit younger than me and was responsible for training newbies on how things work. She was also exactly like the kind of person you would see working at Chipotle's: fake glasses, awful dyed hair, and a gross eyebrow piercing. All she'd need is a shitty tattoo. Why did all Chipotle employees look like they were ready to go to Burning Man? Was it part of the image they were trying to sell? Is punching holes in your face and putting study hall doodles on your body really "hip"? I will never understand.

"You're doing good, Cara. Keep it up." Olivia said. She said I was doing good. That… I wasn't sure why, but that made me feel wonderful. People usually didn't tell me I was doing good. I couldn't help but smile. "Thanks, Olivia." "You're welcome! I'll have to tell the boss how hard you're working. I think she was right to hire you."

I know it sounds like I'm slamming Chipotle's a lot in this, but to be honest, I love them. They are my favorite place for burritos. I love their loud shitty music. I love their freak show staff. You couldn't get that shit anywhere else and I love it. I probably sound like a Chipotle's commercial right now, but I really do love them, and it's not just because I work there.

"Keep it up, Cara! You're doing great! We need more black beans." Olivia was nice too. She was always smiling, always positive. Was she required to be friendly for her job or was she always like this? It felt warm being around her. I wasn't sure why.


	10. F-Word

Chapter 10

F-Word

I was at home, staring at my computer, looking through my folders.

I told Dr. Silverman about how fucked my sexuality was. I told him about Lucario, about my obsession with him, and about all the little fetishes I had.

Fetishes. How the hell did I get so many fetishes?

People with fetishes aren't always open enough to talk about them. They're not always introspective enough to really look inside of themselves and wonder "Why?" What causes someone to want a gigantic aura dog to sit on you and smash every bone in your body?

I guess it's different for every person. Some people will say they were born with them and it was "awakened" inside of them. For me, fetishes are nurtured, not inherent to my nature. I wasn't born a disgusting sexual snowflake. I was born a fucking baby who didn't know shit about sex or even what it was. I wasn't born with any inherent knowledge of Lucario dismembering me, getting my eyes gouged out and fucked, or any of that other shit. I chose to hold onto those feelings and keep them inside of me like some kind of disgusting thought prison of sex and death. My fetishes are nurtured. There's nothing natural about them.

I feel so sick when I think about this. Maybe that's why no psychologist has ever studied what makes people get into so many different fucked up fetishes. It's because no one ever wants to think about it because that would mean looking at yourself.

I hate myself.

Or maybe I don't have any fetishes at all. Maybe they're just lies I tell myself. I don't even know anymore. I don't even know who I am. I…

Knock, knock.

It was Dad.

"Cara, you have a visitor."

I left my room and walked outside. Olivia was out there waiting for me. "Hey." She said. "Hey. You found my place?" I said with a smile. "Yeah. You don't live far." Olivia said. We were both silent for a while. "You want to hang out? You seem pretty cool and I…" "Sure!" "Awesome. Let's go!"

I made a new friend that day. She was my only friend now, Olivia.

-o0o-

Click.

Click.

I was at my computer again. How many days had it been? I wasn't sure. I was keeping a tally of how many days I'd spent without going there. I used to keep record of the days, the days I spent occupying my mind with stuff that wasn't blue aura dog. I wanted to get rid of him. I wanted to leave him and move on with my life. I really did, but I needed him. I wasn't even sure why, but I could just toss him away.

I couldn't throw away Lucario. He was a part of me, a piece of my mind that I wasn't ready to let go. He was a part of my identity. But did I really like who I was? What the hell am I?

Click.

Click is a funny word. It can be the clicking of a computer mouse or the clicking of a gun. I didn't have any guns, but I can't say I haven't thought about shooting myself. You know, just making the world a better place without me. Just give into depression and end it all. Put a bullet into my fucking brain and die with a smile of sexual satisfaction onto my face. Would it really make me happy, though? Or would it just be a sensation.

Internet shorthand: KYS

Kill Your Self

Why do I find it disturbing that people use this so much that it needs an abbreviation?

On the internet, you'll find people everywhere telling you to kill yourself. They'll be cold, callous, and they don't want to hear your sob story. Try whining to them about anything, saying that you're sad/depressed, or just say something they think is annoying. "Kill yourself." It's the standard response. It's a cry for oblivion, the evangels trying to spread the good word of Nirvana. They want you to shut up. They want you to be quite and stop shitting up their message board with your sad bullshit. They don't care that you feel awful, they just want you to do anything to stop them from trying to empathize with you. They don't want their topic derailed because you're feeling awful. This isn't the place for that. There is no place for that.

"The fastest way out of sadness is to nothingness. KYS. Embrace Nirvana and be at peace with the world." It's what every edgy misanthrope will tell you.

Fuck that.

I'm done with my death fetish. I don't want to die anymore. I hate myself and I hate the world, but I think I can hold on. I think that maybe, just maybe, I should keep living. I can spite those assholes who hate me. Maybe I don't fit in with regular society. Maybe I'm too awkward even for internet society. Maybe there's no place for me in the world and no one will ever love me. I don't care. I'm going to keep living. I'm…

"Cara? What the fuck?"

It was Lucario. He materialized in front of me. He looked pissed. "Cara, what is wrong with you? You don't want me to kill you anymore?" "I made my decision. It's what I want." He was seething with anger. The aura around him surged. I admit, I was scared. "Maybe… Maybe if I learn to love myself, I can love others too. Maybe I can love the world and maybe I can…" "You're not dropping me. Fetishes are eternal, Caroline. Once I have you, we're here forever." He said.

I didn't like the tone he was taking with me. He was just a construct of my imagination. He wasn't real, but I was. As god of my own imagination, I could do away with him whenever I wanted. "Go. I don't want to see you anymore." I said. An aura sphere formed in Lucario's hands. "I don't think that's an option."

Lucario fired his aura sphere. I wasn't sure what to make of it at first. Should I run? Or should I just take it? He's an imaginary friend. How bad could it be?

Smash.

The aura sphere hit me right in the stomach. I fell backwards and vomited. This was in reality. I puked all over myself and my computer's keyboard. How the hell did he do that? "You want to know how?" Lucario said with a smirk. I tried to wipe the vomit off of my mouth to speak, but the pain in my gut was too much. "I'm a part of you, Cara. I'm more than just your imaginary friend. I am you. I can't have you changing now, can I? I'm pretty happy with how things are right now." "No… You're not happy, just complacent." I said. He slapped my across the face. His paw wasn't soft and warm like it normally was. It was as cold and hard as steel. "Shut the fuck up. I make the rules around here. You got that, bitch?"

I wiped off my face and looked him in the eye. "Don't call me a bitch, you fucking Pokémon." He growled and jabbed his paw toward me. I tried to get away. Slam. His fist went right into my cheek. I tried to counter with a punch of my own, but he put up a shield. It was his aura. It stopped my attack like a force field. "Nice try." He said. He slammed his fist into my chest. I fell down. I jumped back up and tackled him. We both fell onto my bed. Blue fur flew everywhere as I thrashed about. Lucario, thinking fast, bit into me. His teeth were very sharp. I let out a howl of pain. I heard footsteps. My parents came rushing to the door.

Lucario was gone. All they saw was me, completely naked, with vomit-stained clothes on the floor. My bed was covered in blood and blue fur. Blue fur? Wait, how? What? I thought he wasn't real! I thought he was just my imaginary friend! What the hell was going on?

"Cara?" Dad said. I tried to say something, but instead, I threw up. I threw up all over my pillow and cried.

They took me to the hospital.

If we were a religious family, I think they'd call an exorcist.

Sometimes I wondered if I was possessed and if Lucario was some kind of demon.

I know that's not true, though. Demons aren't real.

That's just silly.


	11. Alone

Chapter 11

Alone

Four days.

I'd been in the hospital for four days. The doctors said that I had suffered some kind of blunt force trauma and internal bleeding. I also had some of my cuts bandaged. Lucario beat me up pretty bad. I needed to wait for it all to heal. The blue fur all over my bed was a mystery. I think my parents called in the police to investigate, but I don't have a lot of faith in them.

I was in my hospital bed, playing Pokémon on my 3DS. I boxed my Lucario. I didn't want to think about him. It was a good way to kill time. I didn't have anything else to do in that hospital bed, anyway.

A nurse knocked on my door. "You have a visitor!" He said in his most cheerful voice. I put down my game and turned to the door. Olivia was there. She had a basket of flowers and a balloon with her. "Get well soon."

She set the flowers and balloon down next to my bed. "Hi, Cara." "Hey, Olivia. How are you doing?" I said. "Good. The others at work miss you." She said. She sat down next to me on my bed. I noticed her staring at my bandages. "What happened?" "A dog attacked me." I said. It wasn't the truth, but it was close enough. "Oh. I'm sorry. He must have been a big dog." Olivia said. "He was, yeah. Almost four feet tall, actually. Biggest damn dog I ever saw." I said. Olivia smiled. "I hate dogs." "Me too. I used to love 'em, but not anymore."

I felt really comfortable when I was around Olivia. Maybe I was just lonely and really needed a friend. Maybe it was the painkillers the nurse administered to me an hour ago. I wasn't sure. "You know, I took the day off just to see you." Olivia said. "Really? Wow, thanks." I said. I wasn't used to people doing this kind of stuff for me. Maybe it was because I just didn't interact with people a lot. Up until a few days ago, I was just a NEET who locked herself up in her room all the time with the only human contact being my parents.

I shouldn't have locked myself away like that. The world can be a cold, cruel place. It can also be kind and full of warmth. I wish I learned that sooner. If I did, then maybe I wouldn't be in the hospital because a fucking Pokémon mauled me. I wasn't sure if he only lived in my imagination anymore either. Were Pokémon real? Oh lord, I feel like a damn child thinking like that. They're not real. They're Japanese battle monsters made by Nintendo to sell merchandise. …But then what the hell was all that blue fur on my bed? What the hell beat the shit out of me? It sure as shit looked like a Pokémon to me.

I looked around and noticed something. "You know Olivia, you're the only one to give me anything." I said. She looked around. "Oh. Wow. I didn't see that." She said. I think my parents meant to give me something, but they were busy with their lives and with the police trying to figure out what was with Lucario's blue fur on my bed. "Thanks. It really means a lot to me. Seriously, thank you." I said. "It wasn't a problem." She said. "Aren't more of your friends coming? You've been here for half a week." Olivia said. "I don't have any other friends." I said. "Really? I mean, you're a pretty good-looking girl, Cara. You look like the type that would…" I didn't listen to the rest of her sentence.

"…you're a pretty good-looking girl, Cara." Those words repeated in my mind. I don't think anyone has ever complimented me on my looks before. I always thought I was ugly, a hideous and disgusting monster that repulsed everyone. …But Olivia thinks I'm not. Was it because I bathed regularly now that I had a job? I didn't want to cry. Blubbering in front of her would have been real embarrassing. No, I'll save the tears for later. They'll come when no one else is around. Maybe I'll turn on the TV and pretend I'm crying at a sad movie or something.

I leaned in and hugged Olivia. She was a little surprised at first, but followed along and hugged me too. "Hey. You're not alone, okay? I don't have very many friends either." Olivia said. "Thank you. Thank you so much." I said. Crap. I started blubbering. I guess I couldn't contain myself. I don't think Olivia knew how deep I was into my dark place. She knew that I needed a hug, though. I needed a hug badly, like I'd never needed one before.

-o0o-

It was night. Olivia left about an hour ago. She spent all day with me. We talked, watched TV together, and made the most of what we had. I couldn't stop thinking about her. She was the first person besides my parents to show me kindness in years. The nurse said that I'd be able to leave the hospital tomorrow afternoon. I'd still have to be careful and get plenty of rest so that my wounds heal. Still, I couldn't stop thinking about Olivia.

I was trying to get to sleep, but I couldn't. Everyone has nights like that, where they try and try, but simply will not go to sleep. That was when I heard his voice. He didn't materialize in front of me, but I knew he was there.

"You can't keep me away forever, you know. You've become a part of me. I'm a part of you. We're inseparable." I wanted to talk back to him. I wanted so say, "No. No, we're not." I didn't. I was scared. I wasn't sure why I was scared either. I remember Lucario used to make me feel comfortable. He made me feel loved in a loveless world. He gave me the sweet release that I craved, Nirvana. I didn't feel that anymore. Instead, I felt fear. He was my enemy now.


	12. I AM CAROLINE

Chapter 12

I AM CAROLINE

I had a long day at work. It was Friday. Everyone wants burritos on Friday. They want to eat their fatty burritos while listening to loud, shitty music. They try and fail to talk with their friends over that loud music. Is that why Chipotle's makes their music so loud? Is it so that you don't have to talk to your friends when you eat out? How cynical. And hilarious. And cynical.

When I returned home, I sat down on my bed. Things seemed pretty normal at first. I rested after a long day at work, I did at least, until I heard his voice. "Don't ignore me." It was Lucario. I opened my eyes and saw him materialize in front of me. "You crave me, Caroline. You want me. I know you do." He said. He raised one of his paws as thought to hit me. I tried not to show fear, even if I was afraid. "I don't need you anymore." I said. "Really? I think you need me. I think we need each other. We've needed each other since we met, Cara. A mutual bond, that's the basis of every friendship. If you don't want to be my friend, though…" An aura sphere appeared in his paw.

Lucario used Nasty Plot.

A co-dependent relationship was formed.

It's super-effective!

No. I had to cut him off. It was the only way for me to move on. It would hurt. I needed that blue-furred freak. He was always there for me, always my rock of Nirvana, the thought that I could just end my unhappy life whenever I could. He was the ultimate freedom, the freedom to do something really stupid or pointless. Whether it's something big like hurting yourself or just screaming random words like "Goodbye, blue Monday"

"You don't like that freedom, do you?" Lucario said. "No, I don't hate freedom. I just want out." "Out of what? You're free! You're free to stop whenever you want. I can simulate the sensation of nothingness through your body. I can give you the emptiness that you crave. I can give you ultimate tranquility, the eternal peace of death."

I didn't trust that aura sphere. He could throw it at me at any time. If the games are to be believed, aura spheres will always hit and will always do a lot of damage. I was hit before and it hurt like hell. I wasn't about to let that happen to me again. I had to go first. I had to take the first strike. Was my speed faster than Lucario's? I don't think it mattered. This wasn't a game. This was real life. You don't take turns and determine who goes first by speed in real life. No, you just fight.

I grabbed my lamp, but Lucario fired his aura sphere. Smash. My weapon was gone. "I can read your thoughts, Cara. I know what you're thinking. I can read your every move, your every thought, your every feeling. I know your mind and your heart inside and out. Your aura is weak, Cara, weak and pathetic." I tried to punch him, but he dodged it, like he knew what I was going to do before I did anything. He countered by slashing me with his claws. It was real blood that I spilled. It dripped down from my body and onto my floor.

That was it. No more mercy. No more forgiveness. I was going to kill him, no matter what. I was going to get my life back on track. I had a job. I had a friend. I had a new life waiting for me filled with new challenges and new chances at happiness. I wasn't going to let a fucking Pokémon take that away from me. He laughed. "You're a fool. There is nothing that you have that I can't take away." "We'll see about that, bitch."

I lunged at Lucario. He could read my mind, so he dodged. As punishment, he slammed his paw into me and followed up with a series of punches. He moved like lightning. My body was a punching bag. I never worked out. I never went outside. I was a weak person who just got out of the hospital. What chance did I have? There was no way I was going to fight him! What the hell was I thinking?

Lucario's Intimidate lowered Cara's attack!

No. I was going to fight him. I wasn't just fighting for myself. I was fighting for Olivia. She was my future, the person who could make me happy, the person who I could make happy. I stood up and wiped the blood from my face. She was all I thought about. I had to do it for her.

I got back up and put up my fists. "Don't make me laugh." Lucario said. I balled up my fist. I pulled back. I screamed. He didn't even bother to get out of the way. I slammed my fist right into him. All I did was hurt my hand. That's right. He was a steel type. Lucario's fur was soft, but his skin was tough as metal. I couldn't hurt him. Even if he were tied down and asleep, I still couldn't hurt him.

Lucario grabbed me by the shirt collar. With his other paw, he slammed his fist into my face. Again… And again… And again… He was about to punch me some more, until my door opened. It was my mother, with a knife. Lucario dropped me. "I don't know who or what you are, but I don't care. Step away from my daughter right now." She said. Lucario smirked. "Interloper." In a flash, he disappeared. I disappeared. We were both gone.

I materialized in another world. It was small, sphere-shaped, and it had no gravity. I heard Lucario laugh as he materialized too. "This is my astral bubble, Cara. This is where you die." He fired an aura sphere at me. I tried to get away, but it grew. It hit me hard, like getting struck in the face with a bowling ball. My face started bleeding. "Auras are much stronger here." He said. He blasted another aura sphere at me, this time hitting my back.

Lucario dove at me and began shredding into my body with his claws. He moved with such speed and ferocity… It was impossible to defend against him. I could feel it, his claws raking across my face, my chest, my back, my stomach… My skin was torn apart like Christmas wrapping paper. My knee… It was busted apart. My bone shattered. I couldn't feel my foot. I had no foot.

I was living out my sexual fantasy. I was having my body destroyed and dismembered by Lucario.

It felt good. After all this time, feeling my body destroyed by Lucario still felt good. My conscious was waning. I could feel the sweet embrace of Nirvana coming upon me. Oh yeah… No more worries. No more doubts. No more fears. Just nothing. It was a sweet release, a pain that felt pleasant. It would all be over soon. It was every person's destiny to die, and with that death, comes peace. I wanted that peace. I wanted to fulfill that destiny. As much as I resisted, I couldn't deny my fetish for death.

"Feeling sexy yet?" He said. I wanted to say something, but the pain was too much. I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. "Oh yeah, you know I'm the only one who can please you, Cara. You're my snowball, an identity defined by your sexuality. That's all you are and that's all you'll ever be." He was right. I was a sick, sick lady. All I ever thought about sometimes was either Lucario and death, or trying not to think about Lucario and death.

"No."

That wasn't me. That was a voice from within me. I could feel something surging inside, something tearing down the doors of my heart. Lucario backed away from my disfigured body. It began to glow with power. My body reconstructed. It was as if he never destroyed it.

I felt a presence with me. It was Jessica, my dead friend. She had been with me all along. She was chained up inside of the deepest darkest depths of my heart and now she was free. It was like a long dormant piece of myself had been awakened. It was my aura, my astral aura. I could feel strength surging through my body like nothing I had ever felt before.

Lucario smirked. "Right. I've got a trick like that too." Lucario reached down his throat. He coughed a few times and produced a gem, a shining gem that I recognized from the Pokémon games. It was Lucarionite, the item that mega evolves Lucario. His body glowed. His aura was even more powerful than ever. Within seconds, his body changed. He didn't talk. Instead, he let out a primal roar. Foam dripped from his mouth. There was murder in his eyes.

Lucario charged at me, claws out like he was ready to rip out my throat. I was scared, too scared to move. I felt like someone else was moving my body. It was my aura, Jessica. She moved me out of the way. Lucario followed up by trying to kick me, but I flew out of the way again. It was like she was protecting me, refusing to see him do any harm. Lucario opened his mouth. "Gurawwww!" Aura surged from his paws. He blasted a sphere at me. I tried to run. I knew that it was an attack that always hit, but I tried. As though I were acting on instinct, I raised my arm. A shield formed in front of me. It absorbed the sphere and shattered.

I could feel it. I could feel her love through my body, protecting me. I zipped toward Lucario and screamed. "Jessica!" I slammed my fist into Lucario's face. He wasn't ready and was knocked back. I tried to punch him again, but he jetted out of the way. "Jessica, I know now. You were with me. You were always with me!" I said. Lucario roared again. He dove at me with both of his claws out. She moved my arm. I made a force field with my aura. He smashed into it and hurt his head.

Lucario dove at me again. I tried to protect myself this time, but he was too fast. He sunk his teeth right into me. He tore into my flesh and… It didn't feel good. In fact, it kind of pissed me off.

It was all a lie. I'd been lying to myself this whole time. I wasn't into dismemberment. I wasn't into death. I wasn't into Nirvana. I wasn't into Lucario. They were all lies that I told myself because I was afraid of the truth. I liked people. That's what my fetishes were, they were excuses. I couldn't be into people. I like furry aura dog gore sex. That was the lie and now I could see the truth. No more running away. No more fucking fetishes.

I grabbed Lucario by his upper jaw and pried him off of me. I pulled back my arm and slammed him. Lucario reeled back from the blow. I followed up with another punch. I could feel her guiding my blows. "Thank you, Jessica. Thank you!" I said. I slammed my fist into Lucario again and heard a shatter. It was his Lucarionite. I broke it. Lucario devolved back into his normal form. He was beat up, with some cuts, bruises, and missing clumps of fur. He coughed up blood his body was done transforming.

Lucario tried to shoot an aura sphere at me again, but I put up my barrier and stopped it. "Go away. Get out of my life." I said. I charged up my aura. A sphere formed in my hands. Lucario laughed. "You're only hurting yourself by doing this. You're my snowball, a person defined by a set of fetishes so bizarre that nothing but me could fulfill them." "No. I am not anyone's snowball. I AM CAROLINE!"

Smash.

My aura sphere ripped through the air. It smashed into Lucario's face. I could see his teeth flying out. I heard a loud crack. It was his skull caving in. From there, Lucario fell limp. I killed him. I killed a Pokémon. I think. He could have been an astral monster, a demon, or some kind of evil spirit. It didn't matter. To me, he was a Pokémon, my former favorite Pokémon.

My aura separated from me. I could feel Jessica's presence leaving. "Hey! Don't go! I need you!" I said. She didn't speak to me. I wasn't sure if she could speak. Instead, my body fell limp. My eyes grew heavy. I tried to say something, anything to her to see if she could hear me. The astral bubble shattered like glass and I returned back to my world. I heard her voice before I passed out, her soft, beautiful voice.

"Thank you."

-o0o-

One week.

It had been one week since I killed Lucario. I woke up on my bed. The police had search parties out looking for me. Once I was found, I explained to them that I was okay. The whole incident freaked out Mom and Dad, though. They insisted on getting a home security system, for whatever that's worth.

I was still making regular visits to Dr. Silverman. I really learned a lot about myself by seeing him. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to, someone who might not understand me, but can empathize. I think a lot of people could use someone like him, not a therapist, but just someone who will listen and care about what you care about, someone to reassure them that they're not alone in this world.

Happy Ending

I know this fanfic could get a little hard to read, what with all the violence and depression. It was hard for me to write it too at times too, so you're not alone. If you're reading this, then you made it all the way to the end. Thank you. Even if you didn't like the story, thank you.


End file.
